It occurs to me that not everyone on this list knows me, and thus far the only thing the newbies have seen me do is run one member off the list, remove someone else from the list for spamming, and rant about scaremongering. It's true I am a nasty bastard when irritated, but I do have a lighter, nicer side too. So how's about some comedy? - Danny
(originally posted back in 2001)
The Proper Classification of Vampires
by ShortgothYou tend to see a recurring thread about how vampires should be classified. Homo Sapiens Sanguivore? Homo Sapiens Supremis? Something else entirely unrelated to humans perhaps? Well, I have the answer. Please bear with me while I run you through it. This is the abridged version, with my many usual ramblings and digressions removed to make this as short and painless a process as possible.
Well one thing that is immediately apparent is that vampires, as a rule, are "cat people". No, I don't mean they actually have feline souls in human bodies, I mean they tend to love/own/get on well with cats. I decided to probe deeper into this. Consider the following.
a) Cats are, without and shred of a doubt, the most snooty, arrogant, and elitist of all animals. Vampires are, without a shred of a doubt, the most snooty, arrogant, and elitist of all hominids.
b) Cats can be loyal, loving, attentive, and caring. But only as long as you keep feeding them. The moment you stop, they piss off. Vampires can be loyal, loving, attentive, and caring. But only as long as you keep feeding them. The moment you stop, they piss off.
c) If your cat thinks you're not feeding it enough, it'll follow you around mewling piteously. If your vampire thinks you're not feeding it enough, it'll follow you around mewling piteously.
d) Cats, when left to their own devices, tend to sleep all day and be full of energy and vigour at night. Vampires, when left to their own devices, tend to sleep all day and be full of energy and vigour at night.
e) Cats can be seen all around the world staring at computer screens for hours on end for no useful reason (it's not like they can make sense of what's on the damn screen is it?). Vampires can be seen all around the world staring at computer screens for hours on end for no useful reason.
f) When annoyed, cats can be the most vicious animals in the world, all hatred, claws, teeth, and spitting venom. When annoyed, vampires can be the most vicious hominids in the world, all hatred, claws, teeth, and spitting venom. (go through all the vamp e-lists you're on. Can you find a single group that's been active for more than a year which hasn't had at least one huge fuck-off flamewar? And that's just on the 'net. They're even worse in RL)
So taking this to it's obvious conclusion (on the "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck" principle), it's clear how vampires should be classified: Household pets for the most part, with the larger, more dangerous, and more colourful individuals kept in special cages in zoos, and the smaller, cuter ones have pictures taken of them with pretty little bows in thier hair and put on greeting cards as examples of "cuteness".
As usual, any comments, opinions, disagreements, or anything else to do with this posting can be shoved where the sun doesn't shine. It's just a bit of fun, people. ~g~
Kittycat pic by Sade